Love and Happiness


Love and Happiness
by Ren Concha

needle-like things piercing through my heart,
enough for separating my body and soul apart.
you know what it means when its life and death
slowly, gradually, rapidly taking away my breath.

is this what you call pain or is it some other feeling
in crowd you smile as if the ache is not even hurting
smiling, laughing, wishing someone would save you
inside the cage, crying, shouting, someone would free you

where is the key to eternal happiness
does it even exist in this darkness
loving someone wouldn't mean happiness
it also means being trapped in darkness

If only

If Only
by Ren Concha

empty body walking dead
all the tears she shed
for him it's nothing
for her it's everything

giving him yourself in a hundred percent
being loved by him is zero percent
when is it fair, when is it mutual
happy, sad, pain, what an endless cycle

just how lucky are some to find their someone
who would answer their heart's call
just how miserable she is with her only one
who would never be his one and only at all.

if only our hearts can be taught
if only happiness could be bought
money would just be everything
no need for love cause its nothing

tomorrow i want to go to the beach

Tomorrow I want to go to the Beach
by Ren Concha

tomorrow i want to go to the beach
want to watch the waves of the sea
to witness the rise and set of the sun
and feel the flow of energy within me

my, isn't it a lovely feeling
peaceful and calm wind breezing
telling you life is a paradise
wherein reality is full of lies

fool are we trying to explore
something we couldn't reach
imaginations upon beyond seashore
remains imaginations even after death

endless rebellion inside us
war within ourselves
weak and fragile like glass
couldn't resist harshness of fate

tomorrow i want to go to the beach
continue living in illusions
believing beyond is what i imagine it to be
and so achieve happiness through imaginations

Growing up: College



There were so many changes in my life since I migrated here in Philippines. It's inevitable but why so sudden and rapid?


I'm currently studying in University of Santo Thomas, 1st Year Legal Management Student in the Faculty of Arts and Letters, and this is all for my ambition to become a lawyer. Rather than just a dream, I'm walking forward and surpassing all trials to attain it, I think? I honestly admit I'm not doing my best or rather I never had done my best. Elementary or High School, and nothing changes even now that I'm in college. I'm grade conscious and all but it feels like I can't give it my all. I don't know why but I'm not really studying, yet my grades are still good. I am not bragging but rather I'm guilty. I do not deserve these grades, that's what I honestly feel. Coming home from school, I rarely open my books and do my assignments, I just read manga, watch anime and dramas, and facebook all the time. I feel like I'm cheating. Honestly. Oh well, that's for my academic life.

On the other hand, I became a loner. Not exactly alone, I do have friends and all, but I don't feel them. I'm stuck with my old friends whom I all met in my former hometown, Jeddah Saudi Arabia. There's no bond at all at right now. I still feel alone. I feel unwanted. It's like no one understands me. I wonder if there's such thing as a barrier that hinders me from being understood by others. Well, total opposite in the online world. I do have many friends. Many adores me, many admires me, many tries to steal my heart, but it isn't enough. That's why I deactivated my account which gave me those feelings. I'd rather invest time and effort on making friends here in the real world. But I guess it isn't just for me, having best friends that is. Oh well, that's for my social life.

Boyfriend eh? All-in-one man. He's my best friend, my boyfriend, my soon-to-be-husband. The only reason why I still have my sanity here in this country is because of him. But really, problems would never stop coming. My relationship is DAMN forbidden. I hate that part really. And so moving on, imagine living in a country where neither your parents or siblings are. How lonely, since I grew up with them. Imagine living in a house where even if the persons living there are your own  family are all depressed. No comes a day where there no lectures or sermons or no one is angry. It's very different from the environment I used to live in. I was never confronted with the harshness of life and money till I lived here. I rarely felt the problems, like life is problematic and such. I lived in a half-paradise before, but I dare say, I live in a half-hell environment now. Oh well, that's my love and family life.

My blog life, I am rarely posting, but I'm trying my best to post again and again. I miss writing poems, composing songs and all, maybe I should write one. Later, I will. (:

That's it for now.

Good Day everyone! :)

Sorry for the wrong grammars and all, I'm drunk T_T

Disappointment




Disappointment is the bitter effect of expectations. I always hear at movies and especially with my friends during high school that when you got a boyfriend/girlfriend, your world would be different. You'd feel butterflies in your stomach, you can't even sleep even if you want to, you can't eat, cause your mind is full of thoughts about him/her. They even said that even after endless talking, there would be no such time where you will run out of topics. Another thing they said is that no matter how much tired you are or even how much tired your lover is, when the two of you talked, talked and talked, tiredness will fade, and both will become enthusiastic. In my mind, I'm doubtful, I'm curious. In my heart, I'm totally excited, maybe this can help me escape loneliness. And so I tried to change my fate.

I began to search and fortunately I found one. I'm so enthusiastic and eager to verify if those things they said are true. Months passed, my happiness was unparalleled. But after some time, loneliness again appears. I can feel his boredom towards me. I can feel his tiredness upon me. Every feeling he has, good or bad, it all reaches me. Harsh realities as it is, it's as if I want to break my world, and build a whole new world, but it means death in reality. Why is this world cruel? Mountain of questions I have, but only a single wish, to attain happiness, not alone, but with someone walking down the rocky road path of life with me.

It sucks to always dream, fantasize, and hope. Many times have I tried to accept this, but it's just too painful to accept. It's as if for the rest of your life, you'll be living with regrets, disappointments, and bitterness. Well, it just proves that nothing lasts forever isn't it? Even that feeling of happiness you cherish.

But what is this feeling? It is as if you're hopelessly, desperately clinging, holding on, as if you can't ever let go, and that's because you feel there's a tiny chance, a tiny hope, that even if it is tiny or a bit, even if it takes forever to happen, you're willing to hold on, to endure all pain, to persevere all hardships. Have you ever felt that way? Or is it just me? :c

Bound

My life remains to be in agony. Pain is my best friend. Happiness is my enemy. I never thought I would be like this. No one to hold to. No one to talk with especially during this times. Will someone ever recognize me and make me feel the butterflies in my stomach? Will someone ever give me a rose and a chocolate just to make me smile? Will someone ever just embrace me and listen to me cry? Will someone ever hold my hand and open my eyes to show me that the world is beautiful. Will someone ever tell me that they wanna be with me all the time? Will someone ever love me more than I love them? Really, life is frustrating. Nothing's perfect. But as cruel as it seems, nothing's even close to perfect. Everything is the same. In reality, there's no such ideal things or human. I'm bound to go away from the world of fantasy. and I'm bound to linger and savor every pain in reality.

Bullet

Love never fails, but people do. Let me share my story about it.

It will be soon before it ends. My fate is pretty determined, pretty predictable. My love story is short. And I hope everything'll be fine. But hoping is just merely wishing. And wishes just come true in fairy tales.

My father, pretty much my family don't like this man. Even though this is my first time to love, they don't understand me, they keep on telling me that this is not the one for me, that my beloved man will just kill me or destroy my future. If I insisted on being with this guy, my father told me that he can order someone to kill him! And what the fuck, the hell! I just can't accept it! But I know, they won't even listen to my explanation, they would just spank me, slap me, ground me, or even isolate me from the world. What do they think of me? A doll!

Damn it, but they tell me all these things with authority. And who am I to answer? I have no such authority to talk back, cause I am just merely their daughter. If I speak just a word, it would be considered talking back therefore disrespecting them. It sucks you know. This feeling of having no chance to fight for something so significant, so important?! I got no power. In the end I am just helpless, torn between the paths of my happiness and my loneliness. Leaving this man would make me lonely, though my parents are gonna be happy. Damn so much, I keep on questioning the heaven, the skies, the souls, why o why don't my parents give me a chance to be with the man I love! This sucks too much, I can't breathe in anymore. I can't hate them, can't despise them, because without them I am not here, but what the hell do I feel? What am I supposed to do? Move on without even starting yet?

Then I made one step forward the path of loneliness. I lied and insisted on breaking up with him. Cause I know this is the right thing, I'd rather break up with him and watch him from afar than knowing he's dead. But he didn't accept this. Even though I told him that if he insist on loving me he will be in danger, he accepts it. He said he can't leave without me, and it's his first time loving this much. He even said that this is his first time pleading, he pleaded for me not to leave. I don't know how to respond. I am so happy hearing and feeling, knowing that he loves me this much. What the hell, I am supposed to take the path of loneliness! But every second, every moment, little by little, I am turning my back from the path I've chosen. This time my heart decides for me, and my heart has chosen to take the other route which is full of risk.

I love him, and I will respect his decision to stay with me, even if it'll cost his life. He is happy with me, and it's my honor. I am doing this cause I know, someday along the rains or the sunny days, he will be forced to leave me, he will be forced to break my heart. Or maybe I will fall to another man. We can't accurately predict the future. But it's within our hands. And I will keep on loving him, keep on staying beside him, and when the gun is ticked, I will be the one who will take the bullet for him.

Change



There is something in his eyes I wish to know. Everything’s changing I know, but my gut feelings are telling me that’s it’s for worse. This is what I fear – to know that his love for me is actually fading and for worst, without him himself realizing that. I am scared for that day to come, when I will ask the blue skies where his love has gone, where his eyes are looking, and for whom is he breathing now for? …

Who am I to begin with? What in me is supposed to likable eh? I can never be the kind of girlfriend he would ever like. I don’t know what’s supposed to do when in a relationship. Having no experience whatsoever, I admit, all the faults are on my side. The only thing I could do, whether wrong or right is to love, love, and love.

I cannot see but I can feel that this wouldn’t be everlasting as I would hope. He is definitely blooming. He is looking good, and better, Before I know it, he would be at his best. And for that matter, I can’t look at him.

There comes the time I pity myself. Any man won’t even glance with an ugly fat girl like me. Moreover, I know I cannot satisfy anyone in bed because I’m not that attractive and I don't have the stamina to go for rounds. I hate to be compared, but here am I comparing myself from his previous girlfriend. I would never ever be as good and as cunning like her when it comes to bed. HAHA
.
Seeing merely his looks changing little by little makes me question myself. Do I deserve this guy? Does he deserve someone like me? When in fact, I’m just a 15 year old girl who is merely lost in her huge dreams? I can tell. His eyes are telling me, I am not the type of girl he would be serious with for long. He even doesn’t like to talk with me about his future plans etcetera. But nonsense, since he would just deny it, and much worse, he really doesn’t know it, yet…

Seriously, when will I come to back to my sanity and stop clinging onto this man? When will I stop this craziness and let this man go? When will I finally accept that I was really never meant for him to begin with? When in reality I just snatched him from his previous woman? When will this madness end? And goodness gracious, when will a miracle happen? A miracle that we could and would be together despite all the odds…

Final thought eh? I DON’T WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME …

Nahalungkat sa Net - 2nd

Dito ko na lang sasabihin. Magkukubli na lamang ako sa likod mga salita. Mga salitang saksi ng bawat sakit at kabiguan. Mga salitang tanging nakakaalam na ang tapang na ipinakita ko ay balatkayo lang. Mga salitang katumbas ay luha.

Ang sabi mo kagabi babawi ka. Naghintay ako. Walang ibang laman ang isip ko buong maghapon kundi ikaw. Hanggang sa mga sandaling ito ay naghihintay ako na magparamdam ka. Ngunit sadya nga talagang kinalimutan mo na ako. Ano nga lang ba ako para sa'yo? Isang dakilang nagmamahal lang. Kahit pa sasabihin kong hindi ako humihingi ng kapalit, umaasam pa rin ako na susuklian mo ang pagmamahal ko para sa'yo.

Lalo lamang nadagdagan ang takot ko ngayong wala na ang dahilan upang manatili ka. Ang pinanghahawakan ko na lang ngayon ay ang pangako mo. Pero hindi ba, promises are meant to be broken? Iyon ba ang dahilan kung bakit ka nananahimik ngayon?

Kung aalis ka man sa buhay ko, magpaalam ka naman sana. Kasi masakit ang patuloy na umasa sa wala. Alam mo iyon. Minsan mo nang pinagdaanan iyon. Hindi ko nga alam kung paano mo nagagawang balewalain ang nararamdaman ko para sa'yo. Pero siguro, hindi ako kasing-espesyal o kasing importante para sa'yo.

Nasasaktan ako ngayon. Umasa ako na dadamayan mo ako sa pinagdadaanan ko. Nais ko sanang marinig ang boses mo upang kahit paano ay gumaan man lang ang nararamdamang kong bigat ng dibdib ko pero wala ka. Siguro nga, kinalimutan mo na ako. Paano mo nagagawa iyon? Maaari mo ba akong turuan? Nang sa ganon ay makalimutan ko rin na nasasaktan ako dahil sa'yo.

-masakit nanaman.. Hindi ko lam kung nakakarelate ba ako. Pero hnd ko alam talaga. Masakit lang. Dama ko lang ung sakit nung nagsulat nito.. :'(

Nahalungkat sa internet

Maari ba kitang yayain sa isang natatanging paglalakbay pabalik sa aking nakaraan? Isang yugto sa aking buhay kung kailan nagmahal din ako at nasaktan. Isang kahapong humubog sa kung sino at ano ako ngayon.

Nais kong ipakilala sa'yo ang aking sarili. Upang maintindihan mo na hindi ako dating ganito. Iniisip mo siguro na wala na akong ibang alam gawin kundi ang umiyak at maging mahina. Umaasa akong sa pagbabalik natin sa aking nakaraan ay makikita mong naging matapang din ako. Na hindi ako laging mahina. Na minsan ay nagtiwala din ako ng lubos ngunit ako ay nabigo. Na minsan ay ibinigay ko ang aking puso sa isang lalaki at umasa ako sa pangako niya.

Kung nakilala mo siguro ako noon at naitanong mo sa akin kung ano ang kahulugan ng salitang "forever", iisang pangalan lang ang isasagot ko sa'yo. Ang pangalan niya. Ngunit napagtanto kong ang "forever" pala ay hindi totoo. Minsan pa nga ay ginagamit lamang ang salitang ito upang magbigay ng isang pangakong walang katuparan. Walang katotohanan at walang kasiguraduhan.

Sana sa pagbabalik natin sa aking nakaraan ay naiintindihan mo na ako. Kung bakit ako ganito ngayon. Kung bakit natatakot akong mawala ka sa akin o kaya ay magsawa kang intindihin ang kakaibang takbo ng aking utak. Natatakot akong mapapagod ka sa paghihintay ng aking pagbabalik. Palagi akong insecure hindi dahil nagdududa ako sa pag-ibig mo, kundi dahil nagdududa ako sa kakayahan kong mapasaya ka. Sa lahat ng pinagdaanan ko, pag-ibig mo na lang ang natitirang magandang bagay sa buhay ko.

Hindi na ako naniniwala sa "forever" ngayon. Ang pinaniniwalaan ko na lang ay ang puso ko. Dahil palaging sinasabi nito na mahal kita. Madalas kumukontra ang isip ko pati na ang mga tao sa paligid ko. Pero hindi nadidiktahan ng sinuman ang bawat tibok at bawat pintig dahil lahat ng iyon ay para sa'yo na.

At kung tatanungin mo ako ngayon kung gaano kita kamahal. Iisa lang ang isasagot ko sa'yo. I love you more than all of me. More than every breath. More than every heartbeat. Umaasa akong ganon ka din. Sana.

- nalungkot ako nung binasa ko yan.. Hehe. Dama ko talaga ang sakit. Dama ko yung paghihirap. Dama ko yung pagmamahal. Maging ako umaasa 

In Silence


In Silence
by Ren Concha

You are the reason of my happiness.
As well as the subject of my weakness.
I know I am to blame of my own sadness.
But poor me, I don't know what to do next.

During sad times, I'm trying my best to smile.
But for now let me just be true for a while.
Like alice in wonderland, I'm drown in my tears.
Oh I hope you are here helping me conquer my fears.

Like the thin wind that blows upon my hair.
In dark shadows where I wish you still care.
Clashes of thunders, storm of tears raining.
Pain and everything I am silently screaming.

Promise

Promise
by Ren Concha

I was so empty before, till you came.
You filled me up with the love that was never the same.
You made me feel like everything is in place.
Funny how my love for you grew just in days.

Baby come on, hold my hand and never let go.
I wanna let you know again and again that I love you so.
Babe we're going on a journey just the two of us
Let's make every moment and the magic last

The pain and the sorrow, I can take it.
As long as you're with me, I can make it.
And when promises are meant to be broken.
Promise me you'll never love me again.